save the rainforest: buy a hummer
by Graham Bradley
Published: January 16, 2008
You have exactly one group of people to thank for gas prices being so stinking high in the USA, and no, it’s not “terrorists.” Well, at least not the jihadi brand. Maybe eco-terrorists, sure. Environmentalists. Hippies. Liberals. Anyone who owns a copy of “An Inconvenient Truth.” Yeah. Those guys.
Thanks to the highly untenable theory of global warming, legislation is passed every year in this country that hampers our productivity and injures our free markets, all in the name of protecting us against a theory with no evidence in its favor. The global warming conspiracy states that evil human activities - industry, driving and breathing, just to name a few - produce high amounts of carbon dioxide, which traps heat in the atmosphere and can abruptly raise or lower (whichever one they feel like) the Earth’s temperature.
If it’s hot outside, it’s global warming. If it’s cold outside, it’s global warming. Ditto for snowstorms, tornados, the California fires, Hurricane Katrina and all other renegade natural anomalies filed under “weather.”
Unfortunately, nobody has yet told the global warming crowd that weather was around long before humans were.
Because of global warming legislation we have the CAFE (Corporate Average Fuel Economy) standards, which force automakers to make cars more fuel efficient. The only way to do this is to make cars smaller, lighter and weaker, meaning a greater chance of death for the driver in an accident versus zero impact on the ever-changing climate. Thanks for nothing, hippies.
Because of global warming legislation, we can’t drill for oil in Alaska, where an estimated 6 to 16 billion barrels of crude are ours for the taking. Can’t drill there - we might upset all the caribou that don’t live there because it’s seventy bleeding degrees below zero! Instead we have to buy oil and gas from the very terrorist nations we’re combating in the Middle East. Thanks again for nothing, hippies.
Because of global warming laws, American automakers are forced to make piece of junk hybrid cars which are more expensive and get only slightly better mileage than real cars. Plus, according to a CNW Marketing study from 2007, the average hybrid costs more to produce and creates more deadly pollutants (namely sulfuric acid rain) in a shorter amount of time than does the Hummer H2, which in turn has a life expectancy 3.5 times greater than a hybrid. Never mind the fact that these regulations on automakers have resulted in tens of thousands of lost jobs and a damaged American economy. Thanks for nothing a third time, hippies.
These asinine ideas and their devastating consequences keep piling up. Recycling paper produces deadly toxins from the de-inking process. Much like the Indulgences of the 16th century, carbon offsets don’t work and are just scams for money. Solar panels only produce a fraction of the power of a coal-powered building and even less than nuclear power. Windmills work great…when there’s wind.
Celebrities who favor “green” lifestyles live in homes bigger than most hotels you or I have ever stayed in, and only poke their heads out of their air-conditioned private jets long enough to tell the rest of us petty folk to air-dry our laundry and eat our food raw, so as not to upset the environment. Even Al Gore, who invented the Internet, won the Nobel Peace Prize last year for his fight against global warming.
We take two things from this lesson: the first being that “peace” no longer means triumphing over conflict, and the second being that “Nobel Peace Prize” doesn’t mean diddly squat.
Environmentalism is, as explained by Dr. Michael Crichton, the new Soviet Union, in the sense that it is the new fear instrument meant to keep us scared now the way we were scared of the Soviets in the Cold War. We’re panicked into buying more expensive cars that pollute, more expensive construction materials that suck, more expensive fuels that get the same mileage, more expensive paper products that put out poisons, and all along the way we get to listen to the Leonardo DiCaprios and the George Clooneys of the world preach to us about our eco-sins, in the name of fighting a faux global phenomenon that has the capacity to both burn us to ashes and freeze us in another ice age. Where do I sign up to opt out of that? (By the way, where were all the SUVs that caused the LAST ice age? The one that killed the mammoths and all that?)
So let’s pick our battle: eco-terrorists or jihadi terrorists? Do we fight global warming, or do we fight Islamofacism? Liberals prefer one; sane people prefer the other. On paper they both have the destructive power to wipe us off the face of the planet forever. Global warming is the more deadly of the two, in every single way except one:
There’s no such thing as global warming.
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