fistgate. cookiegate. irrelevantgate.
by Steven Doss
Published: July 7, 2008
Recently, Obama went on national television to explain that a hand gesture made at a victory celebration was, in fact, not sponsored by Hizbollah. Meanwhile, McCain is plastered all over the cable news networks because of an act of plagiarism that may have been committed. And I’m not talking about John and Barrack… I’m talking about Michelle and Cindy!
Right-wing pundits may have wrapped up the gold medal for Most Irrelevant Coverage with their hammering of the Obama’s over a celebratory act (the closed-fist knuckle touch) that is used by anyone who has played a team sport in the last ten years - and apparently, Hizbollah.
Under the gun to come up with an equally meaningless story, the left responded with a grilling of Cindy McCain, (they actually brought in experts and posted poll results) based on the fact that a cookie recipe that Cindy gave to a parenting magazine was similar to a recipe made by - get this - a cookie company! GASP! Cookie recipes that are similar? It must be plagiarism, for all cookie recipes are unique and made by elves.
Seriously, do they expect us to think this should be a big deal? If I get a particular cookie, I expect it to be made of the same ingredients as other cookies of the same fashion. It should consist of the cookie and the things that go inside the cookie! How on earth does a story about flour, salt, butter, sugar, chocolate chips, milk and eggs ever make the news?
Should it matter that Obama does the “pound” rather than the “pound splode?” Or that Cindy McCain’s cookies could be made by the average person with an internet connection? The answer is no, and the media should be scolded for trying to make big deals out of little things. Unfortunately, news outlets need readers and ratings, so they lean on absurd sensationalist stories, sacrificing credibility for revenues. Therefore, in an effort to protect the good name of America’s press, I have compiled the following list of topics that will remain heretofor off-limits for the national press:
celebratory hand gestures
recipes (Even recipes for middle-eastern dishes.)
lapel pins
stories that prove you’re a good Christian (Stories that prove you’re a good Athiest, Jew, Buddist or Muslim are still being accepted. No this is not prejudicial; it’s just that for 221 years our politicians have been telling us what good Christians they are. We get the point already.)
stories that prove that you and Ronald Reagan were BFFs
past gardeners employed (While we’re on the subject, I’d also like to ban stories on past body shop repair men, heating and air conditioning repairmen, blacksmiths and roofers.)
Infidelities or substance abuse that occurred over 50 years ago (I realize that this injunction may favor McCain but I had to draw the line somewhere and I decided that the half-century mark was a good place to draw it.)
That should do it. Now we can get back to the problems at hand: the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the economy, repairing damaged foreign relations, education and health care. You know, things that actually matter.
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July 7th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Can we also ban stories about phony presidential seals? Really, who cares what picture Obama puts on the podiums he talks from.