an obama supporter’s guide to beating mccain
by Cameron Contois
Published: June 10, 2008
Now that this historic primary season is over and Senator Barack Obama has emerged victorious, he and his supporters face John McCain in a neck and neck battle. According to a CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll, McCain and Obama are in a statistical tie.
Obama supporters now have only McCain to deal with. Instead of using a new offense against McCain, I think Obama supporters should simply use the same playbook they so passionately employed against Senator Clinton. Mr. or Ms. Obama supporter, here are six steps to victory:
1.) Say, “McCain, you’re dividing the country. Just concede. Wait, better yet, concede before everyone’s votes are counted. If you really care about the country, you’ll just drop out. If you don’t, that’s just plain McCain narcissism.” When McCain argues that he has many supporters, marginalize them as not important, especially the middle-of-the-road voters that Obama could win over. You don’t need their votes anyway.
2.) Name calling. Call him a monster. Call him “self-centered” for being vain enough to try his best to win an election. Assure him that, despite having millions of supporters, everyone hates him. Who cares if the numbers don’t back you up? If nothing else, it will lower his self-esteem. “Old whitey” jokes are appropriate in the New York Times, as long as you admit the joke is offensive.
3.) If there is any racism in the media towards Obama, encourage Howard Dean and the DNC to not speak out against it. Let it ride. After all, that was their position against Clinton sexism. Call Dean a real stand-up guy.
4.) This one’s for Obama supporters and the media: Analyze and tear apart John McCain’s appearance. Discuss his wardrobe, his hair style and, most importantly, his marriage. If, after careful scrutiny, his marriage doesn’t meet your standards, say he failed the masculinity test (like Maureen Dowd from the New York Times, who stated Clinton failed the feminist test because of her marriage to Bill). This leads me to point number five…
5.) I saved the most important point for last: If Obama does win the general election in November, deride McCain and his supporters as much as you can. Call him graceless if he doesn’t give a concession speech by 4 am Wednesday morning, Eastern Standard Time. Imagine the fun you’ll have flaunting your victory in those losers’ faces. What better way to unite our country?
Before I close, I do have another idea. Maybe certain Obama supporters should actually listen to Obama and his message to bring real change to Washington. He showed an amazing amount of class, not only with his kind words toward his rival, but by putting up a big “thank you” message to Senator Clinton on his website. Maybe you, Mr. or Ms. Obama Supporter, could also embrace Clinton for the sake of your party and your candidate.
I would think Obama supporters would be doing everything they could to win over Clinton supporters. But what do I know? I’m just one of 18 million Clinton supporters whose votes won’t matter in the general election.
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June 12th, 2008 at 4:07 am
Loved it Cameron. :)
June 13th, 2008 at 2:04 am
It’s the law of the harvest. Hillary has spent her career sewing the wind. If she ended up on the bad side of a whirlwind then she finally got what she’s been giving. Gimmie a break, some people talk about her like they’re clueless to the fact that she’s as duplicitous as her husband.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:06 am
Half of the country can’t stand Clinton. Just because a decent chunk of the other half can, doesn’t mean she isn’t divisive.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:13 pm
haha, Im not democrat but its hilarious how they picked obama over clinton. She would be so much better. Obama has 2 years experience in the Senate and is not ready to run this country. Change we can believe in? Obama, quit reciting your poems and start thinking about America. Change? Yes, BAD change. No one wants a second term of Jimmy Carter. Please…