oh, there will be blood

by Ryan Porter

Published: May 26, 2008

Barack Obama and John McCain, the presumptive presidential nominees from the Democratic and Republican parties, respectively, pledged early on in the election process to wage a civilized and respectful campaign. So far they have stuck to this promise… for the most part. Compared to their toughest rivals Hillary “Cutthroat” Clinton and Mitt “The Liar for Hire” Romney, Obama and McCain may as well have been pillow fighting thus far.

Having two candidates who are competent men of integrity is an interesting twist in this never-ending election process (not that they have to be men to be competent or have integrity… no need for NOW to send threatening letters). But seriously guys, this is the big show. It’s time for hardball, and not the obnoxious Chris Matthews kind. Thankfully, the good will of these pansy candidates does not carry over to their respective parties.

Both the Republican and Democratic National Committees, in an effort to take over for their weak-willed candidates, have already released attack ads on the opposing party’s presumptive nominee. The RNC stepped up to the plate first and went after Michelle Obama who apparently doesn’t love America enough. Finally! Now we are getting somewhere! No one wants to watch a nice campaign. It’s like I always say, if you aren’t taking cheap shots on your opponent’s girl when he isn’t looking then you aren’t really trying.

On a recent, albeit rare, trip to GOP.com , I found that roughly 80% of the homepage is dedicated to attacking Barack Obama over issues such as foreign policy and the economy. Clearly they are making the best use of their Web space because there was not a single picture of John McCain on the entire page. What’s the point of telling people what you stand for when obviously it is more productive to give readers reasons to be against someone else. Again the Republicans are taking the lead in getting this campaign back on track. No need to wait around for Obama to officially get the nomination, although I suspect Hillary Clinton is feeling a little left out when no one is attacking her. (Don’t worry Hill, I will always be happy to tell people why you are too dishonest, uncaring, self-centered and two-faced to be elected).

While Republicans are working hard to breathe life into the election process, the Democrats have seriously dropped the ball. A quick trip to DNC.org will reveal just how lazy those hippie Democrats really are. A paltry 50% of their main page contains attacks against John McCain, 20% of which were, I am convinced, trying to turn me gay. How dare they waste their contribution money talking up their positives. If there isn’t bloodshed then why bother?

So far the best thing the DNC has come up with is an ad campaign attacking McCain for wanting to stay in Iraq for 100 years. Seriously? Is that the best you can do? Why not question his patriotism like the Republicans are doing with Michelle Obama? Just because he is a war hero doesn’t mean we should assume he loves America. It’s easy: “Hey McCain, if you love America so much why didn’t you volunteer to stay in that POW camp longer? And as a follow-up, were you wearing a flag pin when you were having your shoulders broken because if not then it doesn’t really count.” See, piece of cake. Howard Dean, you’re welcome.

Both of these candidates are risky because they are almost convincing when they say they want to unify the country. Good thing our elections don’t proceed like they used to when the candidate who finished in second place in the general election became vice president. It is scary to think that both McCain and Obama seem reasonable enough to make a crazy arrangement like that actually work. If that were to happen it could potentially destroy the two-party system, which could then lead to civil discourse in government, which could lead to a lack of political bloodshed and filibustering which would inevitably tear a hole in universe.

If you care about America at all, please encourage the candidates to step up the attacks on their opponent. Without a president to lead us headstrong into intra-American political warfare, what’s left to live for?

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