these are days
by Sandra Kinne
Published: May 8, 2008
Though presidential primary season has yet to end, another long, seemingly never-ending battle is coming to a close across the country: high school. Seniors are busy getting glitter for their mortarboard messages, parents are preparing to send their babies into the world and turn their rooms into home gyms, and 18-year-old boys are coming up with stories to tell their friends about prom night.
Our elected officials and potential leaders of the free world are celebrating this yearly rite of passage by reverting to acting like our nation’s children. They’re engaging in name calling (“elitist”), playground antics (taunting) and drinking games (shots and beer with “real people”).
In the spirit of the politicians’ adolescent antics and the year-end ritual of yearbook exchanges, I decided to combine the two and give you the Primary Superlatives. Enjoy!
Best Couple: This one’s a tie between Bill and Hillary Clinton and Chuck Norris and Mike Huckabee. The Clintons’ collaborative efforts and willingness to stick it to the party that supported them through the Lewinsky saga (and the Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers sagas, etc., etc.) by using the GOP playbook in their extraordinary efforts earn them this recognition. However, Huckabee and Norris seemed genuinely happy in each other’s presence, and they both understood which one of them was the actual candidate. Runners-up: John and Elizabeth Edwards, whose endorsement is awaited with bated breath.
Best Dressed: Well, Barack Obama doesn’t get it. He doesn’t wear a flag pin. Oh, wait. Neither do John McCain or Hillary Clinton. What the heck? Let’s give it to those Abercrombie & Fitch guys behind Obama a few weeks ago in Pennsylvania. They were well-coordinated and made The New York Times. (Yes, that’s right, The New York Times. It must have been a slow day in the world, what with famine, natural disasters and wars.)
Best Hair: Mitt Romney, whose Breck-inspired ‘do never seemed to have a strand out of place. Runner-up: John Edwards and his $400 haircut.
Class Clown: This one is a no-brainer – Rudy Giuliani. With three marriages for both him and his current Mrs.; liberal-leaning social policies on abortion and gay rights; flip-flopped stances on gun control; complete oblivion to the disaster that was Bernard Kerik; and the lamest campaign strategy since George H.W. Bush picked Dan Quayle as his running mate, Giuliani still thought he could get the Republican nomination. Hysterical! He made me laugh and laugh (and cry a little, too, but mostly laugh).He gets this recognition unanimously.
Most Dramatic: Another obvious selection – Hillary, for her teary-eyed response in New Hampshire to “How do you do it?” a question billions of women ask themselves every day. That and for her endless efforts to convince Americans she is “one of you” despite $109 million in earnings since 2000. Surprisingly, the least dramatic superlative goes to the actual actor of all the contenders, Fred Thompson. His listless campaign never quite had the flair and talent to make it to the national stage.
Class Athlete: We haven’t had the iconic football tossed around tarmacs or front lawns this election cycle. It seems the old pig-skin has been replaced with a basketball and games of PIG with voters. Because of his skill at the game, Obama eeks out a win in this category. The very close runner-up: McCain and his NASCAR fan base because Hillary and Obama keep circling each other while the rest of the Democratic contenders have run out of gas.
Class Math-lete: Huckabee’s belief in “miracles, not math” gives him the advantage. But, Hillary’s “new math” in her delegate count, creative efforts to count Florida and Michigan, and using Republican delegate rules and regulations as an argument for why she should be the Democratic nominee are just about as ridiculous as Huckabee’s mathematical logic. Another tie.
Most Spirited: Ah, yes, the patriotism category. Well, in all honesty, McCain’s “half-century of service to this country,” as Obama put it, is definitely admirable and exemplary. However, the most spirited award continues to be held by Democratic National Committee Chairperson Howard Dean, whose acceptance speech in Iowa four years ago remains the standard bearer of spirit and energy for democracy.
Most Likely to Succeed: After 18 months of campaigning, this contest is still too close to call. But, given he came into the race with less than a 25% national name recognition and is leading a former first lady in popular votes and delegates, he has already succeeded and will likely do so in the general election. But since I’m not a psychic, check back with me on November 4th for the final verdict.
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