getting high on america
by Ryan Porter
Published: April 25, 2008
My neighbor named Spider is always telling me that there is an appropriate drug for every occasion and that he can hook me up. I am not sure what that last part means, but he has his own chemistry set so I trust that he is a well-educated guy. He recommends marijuana if you want to chill. Heroin if you want euphoria. Lifetime television if you need a good cry.
So what is the appropriate drug if I want chaos? Economic instability? Maybe even a healthy dose of resentment, if it’s in the cards? The only drug on the market today that can possibly satisfy all of these cravings is, of course, America.
Ever since some countries, such as Iraq, started doing America, as brought to you by the Bush cartel, we have seen more and more evidence that it can be dangerous and should be used with caution. Just look at the effects that an addiction to America can have on a country.
Before Iraq started using, it functioned like any flourishing third world should. It had purpose. Drive. Goals it was working to achieve, dangerous as they were, but goals are goals, right? Nowadays Iraq is lazy, lethargic and lacks energy (specifically electricity). It refuses to take the initiative to resolve its own problems and get its life in order, a condition that can only be explained by its newfound addiction to democracy.
Furthermore, it seems that the longer Iraq has Americrack in its system the more it comes to rely upon it. Now that many U.S. politicians have decided that it is time to wean Iraq of its addiction it seems that getting clean will be no small task. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has admitted that they knew it would be hard but not this hard.
Spoken like a true addict.
Obviously the process is going to be difficult because Iraq cannot simply quit cold turkey or they will crash. The next president is going to have to put them on a stepwise program in order to get the job done, even if, as John McCain says, it takes another 100 years.
The sad thing about Iraq’s drug abuse, as is the case with many drugs, is that it prevents other countries, which may actually need it for legitimate reasons, from being able to get what they need. Take Afghanistan for instance. We know there are terrorists residing there on the Pakistan border, but Iraq’s recreational use is monopolizing the Amerijuana supply thus preventing Afghanistan from getting what it needs. In essence, Afghanistan is the poor glaucoma patient of the world.
Some may say that Iraq’s overdose is permissible in the effort to bring them freedom and liberty, but how much liberty do they really need before it is too much? Drugs destroy lives, so you have to ask yourself, how many lives is freedom worth? The first step is always admitting that you have a problem, so maybe we should start the recovery process by working on that. Until Iraq can take that initial step to save itself, Lady Liberty will continue to be the heroin of the story.
—
(email this article or post to social network)
—
(11)
April 25th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Fo reals, yo…at my rates you can’t afford not to buy!
April 29th, 2008 at 3:20 am
Freaking hilarious.
May 15th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Although your literary skills are wonderful, my favorite parts are the google ads in the right column…one-upped by marketing yet again…