10 things to do with your zimbabwe dollars!
by Max Clark
Published: April 21, 2008
Last year I decided to take better charge of my personal finances and visited the self-help section of my local Barnes & Noble and set myself on a path of complete financial independence. In short, during 2007 I made a series of regrettable investments; now I’m left with 50,000 “I <3 Rudy” bumper stickers, an adjustable-rate mortgage on a home in suburbia, stock in American start-up corporations and the rest of my savings are in Zimbabwe dollars.
Now, at the time, buying into 60 billion Zimbabwe dollars seemed like a good idea, but reading a recent BBC report I see that inflation in the country hit 165,000% in February. Another article put it in practical terms: 204 million Z$ could have bought a new car a few years ago and an estate some years before that, now it can buy a medium tea. I considered the words in Elliot’s Wasteland, then a soothing verse of Robert Frost’s, but finally settled on the words of David Mamet, which theREBUTTAL obscenity guidelines prohibit me from reproducing.
However, then I realized, there’s no need to sulk, not with a little innovation and some perseverance. Here are ten things I decided one could do with his/her billions of Z$.
1) Buy 300 cups of tea. Who knows where this dollar is going in a few more months. The BBC’s right - buy tea while you still can.
2) Move to South Africa. That’s what those restless Zimbabweans seem to be doing with their worthless Z$. Of course, there are limited spaces available so get over there before those tenement houses are all snapped up.
3) Waste it on redevelopment projects. Right now even the IMF is pessimistic about the value of its loans and most of the burden is on South Africa. So why not burn away your 60 Billion Z$ helping the local Zimbabwe economy, reopening mines, funding schools.
4) Burn it. Keeping warm is in season now that the southern hemisphere is heading into winter. Be careful, though. You don’t want those environmental groups nagging you about air pollution.
5) Swim in it. You know you’ve always wanted to. Fill a swimming pool with it and dive in a la Scrooge McDuck - wallowing in excess the way most Americans only dream of.
6) Save Darfur. Just kidding.
7) Make a house. Convert those trendy new 10 million dollar notes back into coins and build some sort of rudimentary shelter - you’ll be the envy of your block with this prime real estate.
8) Zimbopoly! Make your own version of the popular home game, including such stops as Harare and Great Zimbabwe, but make sure you don’t land on Victoria Falls or you’ll owe someone 20 billion Z$ (includes one night in a 4-star hotel and 2-hour tour boat ride).
9) Make a political contribution. Who cares if the elections are disputed; just get your democracy the old fashioned way, by paying for it.
10) Convert it back to USD. When you want to avoid the risk of buying into a rapidly devaluing currency, there’s nothing more secure than the American greenback. At least that’s what my 1949 Wall Street Journal collection says.
Here’s to making 2008 a year of sound investments!
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