out of context career opportunities: the romney edition
by Shane Nicholson
Published: March 8, 2008
Thanks for coming, Mr. Romney. So, about those sons of yours: since they’re not tied up serving the countr… er, I mean serving you, I thought maybe they could use a new gig. You know, something to keep that endeavoring Romney spirit alive.
Let’s just start off with some basic info. How old are they?
My sons are adults.
Okay, so they’re all of age. Good. So military service, definitely not an option I hear?
They’ve chosen not to serve in the military in active duty and I respect their decision in that regard.
Right, of course, I understand your dislike of the armed forces, but no worries; that still leaves us with plenty of options. Do your sons like to travel?
My son, Josh, bought the family Winnebago and has visited 99 counties.
Must be quite the Winnebago! I’m kidding, of course. Well, we have plenty of diplomatic positions available, especially in the Middle East. How does that sound?
This is about Shia and Sunni. This is about Hezbollah and Hamas and al Qaeda and the Muslim Brotherhood.
Yes, it’s about all of those groups and more. Your sons would be working with them, trying to improve the peace process through a variety of measures…
This is the worldwide jihadist effort to try and cause the collapse of all moderate Islamic governments and replace them with a caliphate.
Well, no, it’s more working with people in the area to help the peace process. It appears that we have immediate openings in press relations. Does that sound interesting?
The consequences of [the] accommodation of [Hitler’s] press releases was devastating to the entire world, and most devastating to millions of Jews.
Um…
Today we have individuals who believe that the cause of the challenges in the Middle East is the conflict in Israel with the Palestinians…
Right, well…
… and that if somehow we could just have the Baker-Hamilton Commission imposed and we could just settle things between the Palestinians and the Israelis, why everything would be fine in the Middle East.
Well we were really looking to fill some holes in our Iraq team for right now. Would that be okay?
I would certainly sit down with al-Maliki as well as his government, plot out a series of milestones, timetables as well, measure how well they’re doing.
Well, I must say it’s nice to see a father take such an active interest in his sons lives.
But that’s not something you’d publish… they can just lay in the weeds until the time that you’re gone.
Of course not. But we’d expect them to take a more pro-active approach, governor.
No, no, hold on.
Well, sir, it’s a very demanding position, one we really only look at highly qualified candidates for. Do you not feel your sons are up to it?
Don’t try and characterize my position.
Oh, no, of course not. Maybe this isn’t the best route to take. Let’s look at something else, shall we?
According to my notes your father was born in Mexico, and it looks like your son Craig played a big part in the Spanish-Language ad you aired in Florida. That’s great! We have a wealth of opportunities for people who wish to work with immigrants.
English needs to be the language that is spoken in America.
But what about your ad, governor? You know, that whole, “Soy Mitt Romney y apruebo este mensaj,” line?
You strengthen the American people by securing our borders and by insisting that the children who come legally to this land are taught in English.
All right, never mind then. So, Mr. Romney, do you have any ideas?
I don’t want them on our soil. I want them on Guantanamo.
Pardon me?
I want them there. Some people have said we ought to close Guantanamo. My view is we ought to double Guantanamo.
Quite frankly, sir, I’m not sure what I can do about that. That’s more of a policy issue; I’m not sure your sons are quite ready for that type of work.
We’re wise to talk about policies and not to make personal attacks.
Oh no, I wasn’t insinuating anything sir. I was merely pointing out…
We have a gun in one of our homes.
Sir! That is wholly inappropriate. I will not stand for being threatened!
It’s not owned by me, it’s owned by my son.
That’s not exactly an apology, sir.
I misspoke.
Fair enough. Well, quite frankly I’m not sure I’m going to be able to place your sons in a position at this time. They just don’t stack up against the rest of the candidates.
There’s just no comparison there.
Not really, no.
I laid out my plan that I thought made sense.
I appreciate that, but I’m just not seeing anything here for them and I’m afraid our time is up.
I’ve never talked about a timed withdrawal.
I understand that, sir, but I do have other appointments to get to.
That’s not the case. Simply wrong.
Well I’m sorry you think that, sir, but if you’d please show yourself out now; I believe your seat on Straight Talk Express is waiting. Maybe Senator McCain has some staff positions available.
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