R.I.P. campaign of rudolph william louis giuliani: 9/11/2001 - 1/30/2008
by Edward Savoy
Published: February 4, 2008
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of the campaign of Rudolph William Louis Giuliani. We mourn partly out of sorrow that you, a Democrat in elephant’s clothing, have departed the Republican race. But we mostly mourn out of a sense of depression that a vital and fruitful butt of political humor has now departed our midst forever. Before this bountiful spring from which many political jokes have flowed dries up forever, let us take a moment to remember what was so good about your campaign.
We will always remember the way you ran your campaign, which paid tribute to the highest ideals of the American worker. By skipping every primary before Florida and waiting until the absolute last second to attempt to be relevant in the primary race, you played out the American workers’ fantasy of blowing off work until absolutely necessary, all the while retaining hope of being rewarded for the procrastination. The fact that this strategy was unsuccessful only points to the unfulfilled nature of this dream and our collective and continued wish to see it become a reality.
We also lament and disparage the assertions of your opponents, that you used 9/11 as a club to beat the electorate into a fearful and (for you) victorious submission. Contrary to what Senator Biden has opined, not every sentence that you uttered contained 9/11, a noun and a verb. Sometimes you included an adjective, too.
But, most of all, we will miss your noble aspiration to divide America just as you divided New York City during your time as mayor. We will never have the opportunity to experience the mass protests that your nomination or presidency might have produced. We will especially miss this because, whatever the benefits of a McCain or an Obama or a Clinton presidency, they will all lack the drama of a protest march.
As you bring your campaign to its final resting place, we cherish the jibes that we all have lobbed at you and mourn their eternal passing and ensuing irrelevance. That is, unless you choose to run in 2012. Then, all that is old will be new again.
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