u.s. elections are just bush-league
by Robert DeFrance
Published: January 25, 2008
A year or so back, before we knew who was running for the 2008 Presidential election, satirical political pundit Stephen Colbert suggested that the Democrats would run some viable candidates who would be crushed by the Republican candidate - Pepsi. In a way, that is what happened in 2000 and 2004; the Republicans ran their version of a brand-name candidate, Bush, and won the election. For the ‘08 election, the Republicans either have no big guns, or they haven’t taken them out of the holster quite yet.
With political intoxication in full-swing, it’s apparent that Democrats are overstocked with their three viable candidates: Edwards, Obama and Clinton. Clinton and Obama are dueling it out for the top spot with Edwards just waiting to see if someone asks him to join their ticket, again. The Republicans on the other hand, are without a single standout candidate. Before the primaries started, you could have picked Giuliani as the obvious front-runner, but a series of no-shows in the first round of primaries and a closet full of bones have caused his political stock to tumble. Let’s face it, most unhappy people would rather stay married (and look down on those who don’t). Giuliani’s demise has paved the way for McCain to regain the lead he once held. But being “for” the war and “for” amnesty is going to make it hard people to vote “for” him. I just don’t see him sticking.
Huckabee is the dark horse who has been steadily gaining momentum, but he won’t succeed as a front-runner. I just have that feeling, like some people get about Dennis Kucinich, that Huckabee looks a little too much like a Lord of the Rings’ hobbit to run the United States. However, if for any reason the fifth circle of hell gets snowed in, and Colbert joins Huckabee on a single ticket, then forget that comment about the hobbit. All hail the new chiefs!
Finally, the Republicans have Romney, a second-tier candidate posing as a first tier. He’s Mormon; enough said. John F. Kennedy could get Christians to leave their religious biases outside the voting booth, but Mormonism’s no Catholicism and Romney’s no Kennedy. The odds of Romney getting elected are about the same as the U.S. congress appointing a child molester to protect children from molestation. Wait a minute…
For all those Republicans out there who might call me a hater, this is for you. I have figured out the one legitimate way Republicans can win. I say “legitimate” because denying votes to colored people, closing and changing polling places in poor neighborhoods, denying the right to vote to people with the same last name as U.S. prisoners and duping the American public with faulty electronic voting machines are common Republican techniques - but they do not fall under the category of “legitimate.”
How can the Republicans win? With three simple letters. J-E-B. That’s right, Jeb Bush. Sure the current Bush has a pretty crappy approval rating for an incumbent, but after all his deceit, one-sidedness and treasonous behavior, he still has about a 30% approval rating. That’s way higher than Fred Thompson ever polled. Edwards, on his best day, can’t get 30% of the party base to support him. So, assume Jeb Bush gets 30% of the popular vote by association. Add an additional 10%, because that’s about the percentage of the population that really enjoys being in Iraq, and that leaves Jeb only 9% away from the White House.
“Hey, that’s only 49%!”
Yes, 49%. Because if you’re a Bush, winning the popular vote is not a requirement. When you consider the fact that Jeb didn’t have to scheme his way out of serving in Vietman and isn’t a recovering cocaine abuser/alcoholic, 9% isn’t too much to ask of a candidate. Especially a brand-name candidate.
If the Republican Party does hold Jeb Bush back, I’ll understand why. It’s just like what the Democrats are doing with our actual president, Al Gore.
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