walker texas ranger for president
by Ryan Porter
Published: January 22, 2008
With a presidential race that is more wide open than Lance Bass’s closet doors, voters seem to be having a hard time shaking their indecisionitis. No one wants to actually learn about the candidates, and those who do don’t make the effort because they know that will only lead to disappointment and more indecision.
Politically savvy Americans are usually able to make up their minds pretty easily by following the “experienced” candidate or the “hip, young” candidate, but that tactic doesn’t seem to be working this year. Apparently there is just too much experience and sexiness in the field to narrow it down.
And just when it looks like an inevitable stalemate leading to four more years of Bush by default (something they would likely try to get away with), Hollywood celebrities save the day by telling us what to think.
The most publicized celebrity-politician duo is Chuck Norris and Mike Huckabee. Norris has appeared with Huckabee in online videos, at speaking engagements and even some debates. The dynamic duo has recently gained criticism for Norris’ statements calling presidential candidate John McCain “too old” to be president, suggesting McCain is too close to death. Luckily, Chuck shared his credible, medical insight soon enough that McCain could make a visit to his doctor and get checked out for death. Concerned readers will be comforted to know that preliminary reports are saying that McCain’s death-tests have come back negative. That was a close one… thanks, Chuck.
In Norris’ critique of other leading candidates, he posited that Mitt Romney is “shallow,” citing that, “everything he does is from the head… and nothing is from the heart.” Chuck went on to say that everything Romney says seems to be memorized from script. This would explain Romney’s weekly “watch-me-contradict-myself” moments where he blatantly lies about, well, everything (even in the face of video proof of self-contradiction) when his script runs out. Had Chuck not pointed out Romney’s no-heart-approach I might have been swayed by Mitt’s hair… oh, that perfect hair. That was a close one… thanks, Chuck.
What did we do before celebrities got involved in politics? Who was rebuilding New Orleans before Brad Pitt went to work? Who was serving as a messenger of peace for the U.N. before George Clooney stepped up? And now, who would have saved America from heartless politicians and old people before Chuck Norris saved the day?
All in all, I would be at a complete loss for opinions if it were not for the wisdom and expertise of celebrities like Chuck Norris. Without him I would still be watching Mike Gravel throw rocks in a lake, waiting for a sign of what to do. His words have been like a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path in this dark world of politicking and thinking. It feels as though a burden has been lifted off my shoulders to know that Chuck is out there learning and deciding for me. I now feel confident that I can do my part to make this world a better place.
Thank you, Chuck Norris. Your country owes you a debt of gratitude.
—
(email this article or post to social network)
—
