founding an army of paulbots
by Graham Bradley
Published: January 19, 2008
If we learn one thing from Ron Paul’s polling numbers, it’s that eight percent of the American population consists of college-age idiots and video game addicts.
Well, maybe that’s not fair; I’m sure one percent are decent human beings who are just confused. But the other seven - come on, whom do you think you’re kidding?
I didn’t know a thing about Ron Paul until a few weeks ago, when the mayhem began at the Iowa caucus. I’d seen his signs up all around Las Vegas with quips like “Join the Ron Paul Revolution!” and “Legalize the Constitution!” It wasn’t until his ads started playing on the radio that I realized, oh my word, this guy’s a total quack! All it took after that was one article neutrally outlining his campaign platform, in his own words, to convince me that this guy has the political depth of mustard.
And yet he has such a passionate following! His fans were furious when he was excluded from a Republican debate on FOX News prior to the New Hampshire primaries. Sean Hannity and his co-workers even had snowballs chucked at them and were verbally assaulted, as if they were responsible for the decision. Who would do this, right? Who would be so immature and unrestrained?
Somehow the newspaper came to the rescue, with Ron Paul telling me in his own words why neither I, nor anybody else, should vote for him. I also learned who the Paulbots (his supporters) are, and why they’re so dedicated to the cause.
They’re college-age idiots and video game addicts.
In a Creators Syndicate interview by John Stossel, Ron Paul degrades the Constitution by using his interpretation of it as a shield for his platform. In the name of federalism and freedom of choice, Paul would oppose legislation that prevents harmful drugs like heroin and marijuana from being prohibited. Prostitution would become an issue of individual rights and freedoms, despite the fact that we’ve learned the hard way as a nation and a society that such habits don’t affect people on an individual basis - they are destructive to societies as a whole. It might work for a little while, but it wouldn’t be long before scores of illegitimate children born to prostitute parents would be without health care, and enough people would whine about it to get a Democrat elected. Then the whole dang process would start all over again.
But hey, if we can get easy pot and easy sex… bam! There’s the college-age idiot vote.
Paul also favors putting America back on the gold standard. Fortunately, the resulting bankruptcy epidemic would be limited to only one demographic: everybody.
He considers troops planted abroad to be part of the “American Empire,” and has implied that the terrorist attacks of 9/11 wouldn’t have occurred if we hadn’t first angered the Arabs by having bases in Saudi Arabia. He repeatedly cites the loss of young military lives and national capital in the War on Terror, also known as the Big Thing That Will Prevent Future Terrorist Attacks. Whenever Ron Paul talks about money lost on war and reverting to the gold standard, he’s particular about using the word “treasure,” not “capital.” Here’s where he gets the video game addict vote, using terminology common to those who play “World of Warcraft” eighteen hours a day. Once he has all these kids, he’ll branch over to fans of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy and start using the word “booty.”
And hey, there’s also the priceless celebrity endorsement of Howard Stern. So… opposites DON’T attract?
That clears it up. Join the literal Ron Paul Revolution! It’ll end exactly where it started.
Nowhere.
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