the chuckabee ticket takes the lead
by Ian Schuldt
Published: January 4, 2008
I’m not sure what scares me more: the fact that a Baptist Minister won the Iowa Caucus, or the fact that Chuck Norris was standing right behind him when he did.
How can you lose an election with God on one side and Chuck Norris on the other? By the time this is over every state in the union will be red, either because they voted for Huckabee, or because they didn’t and Chuck Norris killed them.
You thought Mexicans feared the Chupacabra- just wait until they meet the Chuckabee. I guess when you think about it, though, they are pretty similar…
The Chupacabra is a mythical creature. The Chuckabee prays to one. The Chuckabee is an advocate of tough border security. The Chupacabra eats anyone who tries to cross. The Chuckabee wants privatized medicine. The Chupacabra prays on the sick that can’t afford it.
I don’t think I need to tell you that they both have equally coherent arguments against gay marriage. What might surprise you though is they are both consistent in their records on abortion. One believes he can choose for a woman, and the other just chews on one. In fact, I would go as far as to say that the Chupacabra may actually be a distant ancestor of the Chuckabee. At least that would explain why conservatives don’t want evolution taught in schools.
On the other hand, there are some differences. The Chupacabra doesn’t want to startle its prey. That makes it easier to sneak up on. The Chuckabee however, like most Conservatives, needs to scare its prey. It makes it easier to get their vote. I think it’s also fair to say the Chupacabra wins hands down on foreign relations. I mean, it’s not like Walker Texas Ranger is getting great reviews at Cannes, and when was the last time you heard a mythical beast insult Islam.
—
(email this article or post to social network)
—
