once upon a democratic primary…
by Jon Chun
Published: January 2, 2008
On January 3, 2008, Iowa will hold the first Democratic primary.
Clinton and Obama are deadlocked in the New Hampsire polls with Edwards trailing close behind - and none of them have anything interesting to say.
Clinton is for ending the war, but would not commit to pulling the troops out of Iraq if she were elected President. Which sounds a lot like my position on weight loss; I’m for losing 10 pounds but will not commit to pulling the chocolate eclair out of my mouth.
Obama decries the failures of the public education system and plans to fix it by spending 18 million dollars on educational programs for children under 5. Hooray! I’m thrilled that there is finally a candidate bright enough to see that the best way to get our children through our broken education system is to expose them to it at a younger age.
And Mr. Edwards - unfortunately for him, he is neither a woman nor black, so it really doesn’t matter what he says.
My predictions:
- Clinton will barely edge out Obama in New Hampshire but the press will pretend that it was a landslide for Hillary. The media bias will dupe the democratic political machine into believing that Americans love Hillary. She’ll get the Presidential nod and then get crushed in the general election.
- Obama’s 2nd place finish in Iowa will lead him to adapt a more left-leaning platform in an attempt to differentiate himself from the front runner. Soon endorsements from Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez and Che Geuvara will start rolling in. Though the endorsement from Che Guevara will generate tons of press and come as a total shock to atheists, it will do little to help him beat Hillary.
- Edwards will lose big time, which will lead him to give an irrelevant “We Will Fight On!!!” speech right before he throws in the towel and goes back to making legal claims against doctors based on bogus science.
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