a pauper, a cross dresser, a mormon, a lawyer and a baptist minister
by Diego Leiva
Published: January 2, 2008
A pauper, a cross dresser, a Mormon, a lawyer-gone-actor-gone-politician and a Baptist walk into an Iowa primary… Honestly, I wish that the Democratic lineup went as follows: Mr.Scrooge, Ward Cleaver, Pope Benedict XVI, Optimus Prime and Nietzche. With that lineup we could skip the whole electoral process and have the candidates battle it out on “Dancing With the Stars.”
But really seriously now, John McCain has no money but makes plenty of sense. Rudy Giuliani is for gun control and abortion, has a harem of estranged wives and once showed up to work in a dress, but republicans all over the country love him. Mitt Romney is a Mormon who is rumored to have once had a bad hair day, and holds a statistical tie for the lead in the polls in Iowa and New Hampshire. Fred Thompson crushed McCain, Romney and Huckabee in national polls before announcing that he was a candidate for President, but now that he is, he is struggling to convince voters that he’d make just as good a President as they thought he would when he was just pretending. Finally, Mike Huckabee evolved into a front runner in Iowa, in part by assuring undecided evangelicals that evolution doesn’t exist.
- If I were McCain, I would throw in the towel and start campaigning for Vice President.
- If I were Guliani, I would stop pretending that I wasn’t pro-abortion and for gun control while mayor of New York. Say something like this, “I was trying to get elected in New York, what did you expect me to say?” As for the wives, try this, “Hey, if you had married them you’d be divorced too.”
- If I were Romney, I would stop using “gee,” “gosh” and “darn” in my speeches. When accused of flip-flopping, insert “Massachusetts” for “New York” in Guliani’s line. Lastly, to end the speculation among evangelicals as to the influence my faith will have on my policy making, I’d tell the truth. “Yes, I plan on deferring all decisions regarding national security to the Mormon Prophet… just kidding.”
- If I were Thompson, I would retire… because these bags under my eyes must mean that I’m exhausted.
- If I were Huckabee, it’s rather simple. I would make sure that every undecided voter from Iowa to New Hampshire knew that I was a well-funded, men’s-clothing-wearing Baptist minister who does not have sleep apnea.
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